Why I Stopped Trying to Fix my Family
Photo by White.Rainforest ™︎ ∙ 易雨白林. on Unsplash
My motivation for writing this article stems from several friends and family discussing with me their unhappiness with the state of the their family relationships. I thought it may be beneficial for some people to hear my experience with my own family, with the hope that some of my realizations concerning my family will help others.
The family unit is complicated and complex. When I speak of family, it's not just the immediate family, but the extended family as well. Through life lessons I learned all of the many mistakes I made trying too hard to be accepted and loved by my family, but going about it in all the wrong ways. I was trying to force family togetherness when not everyone wanted that. My inner issues were leading me to fix my broken family because I felt if I didn't do it, no one else would. I think because my parents were not close to their families, and I didn't really get to know my extended families, I felt inclined to not let that happen to my children. I didn't want to repeat this cycle in our family.
Realization #1 - Everybody has different perspectives about their family experience
I did not realize at the time that my individual family members all had a very different life experience with the family, even your siblings that may have grown up in the same house will have a different attitude about the family, and how they think a family relationship should be defined. I learned you have to allow people to be different. Everyone does not want to spend every waking minute with their family. They want their own individuality, and we should respect that. It doesn't mean they don't love their family, they just want to take family in small doses. We should not take that so personal.
Realization #2 - Don't be a fixer
I have the personality type to be a fixer. When someone comes to me with a problem, my first instinct is to work on fixing the problem. I had to learn that sometimes people don't want you to fix the problem, they just want you to be there to listen and give encouragement. I spent many years trying to fix many of my family members problems, not because I wanted to be the hero, but because I wanted to see them happy. It affected me so much when a family member was going through a personal crisis, and I wasn't doing everything I could to help them to be happy again. Life has taught me that there are just some problems you can't fix, and even if you can fix it, should you? Raising my children taught me that you can give advice and suggestions, but at the end of the day, my children ultimately had to make their own decisions. I have to admit it was very difficult to watch your children making major mistakes in their lives, and not being able to stop them. If we shield people from making their own mistakes they will never learn the lessons of life. As a parent, this is the hardest thing to do, because you want only the best for your children.
Realization #3 - Don't expect family to accept your bad behavior
So many family disagreements stem from someone doing or saying something hurtful to another family member. People sometimes do and say things that over time and reflection they realize they could have said that differently or handled that situation so much better. The problem is, life doesn't have a reset button. You can't take back the hurt you caused someone by your actions. Just because we're family does not give you a pass to be disrespectful or hurtful to someone. All of that is true, but sometimes people may do and say things that they would never do as the person they are today. I think you have to realize that you don't know what was going on in their lives at the time they said or did those things. I know from personal experience that I am a totally different person than I was twenty years ago. As people navigate life and go through so many things in their life, they sometimes realize the mistakes of their past and try their best to fix them. People can change. This is a situation where empathy comes in. (please read my article on empathy). We have to be able to move on and work on forging a better family relationship built on love, trust, and respect.
Realization #4 - Fix yourself
This was a huge realization for me. I spent so many years trying to fix everybody else, but realized that I had a lot of fixing to do. You absolutely MUST work on your issues first. You have to work on your childhood issues, your mental health issues, and your physical health issues. You have to come to terms with the fact that life may have dealt you a bad hand, but you can't fix your family until you deal with your own issues. The real fact of the matter is the family unit may not need too much fixing if every single person in the family worked on themselves. Trying to be a better human being that people want to be around. You will never be perfect, but everyday you should be a better person than you were yesterday.
Realization #5 - Own your Mistakes
By owning your mistakes, this means acknowledging that you hurt someone, and doing everything in your power to make it right. Owning your mistakes means having a real conversation with the person you hurt, and not a superficial apology. That conversation should lay all the cards on the table as to how each of you felt about what happened and assure that person that you have changed, and you are working on being a better person. It's more important to show that person actions, rather than lip service.
Summary
I had to stop trying to fix my family because I realized there is no way for me to fix them. They have to fix themselves. As much as I love each and every member of my family, I can't help them, it's up to them to do the work and help themselves. If you really want a true family with the memorable holidays together, the love and the laughter that comes with being a family, you can't rely on others in the family to fix it. A real family works to build strong relationships within the family. They can trust and believe in one another, and most of all they know that you always have good intentions. Since I have come to these realizations, I have built relationships with some in my family, but some are still a work in progress. I hope that one day my whole family will be able co-exist and enjoy the precious moments of life with each other. Time is the one thing that's not on our side. Family means so much to me, but my days of trying to fix the family is over. I now work a lot on fixing myself to do better, and be a person that is honest, genuine and loyal.
The family unit is complicated and complex. When I speak of family, it's not just the immediate family, but the extended family as well. Through life lessons I learned all of the many mistakes I made trying too hard to be accepted and loved by my family, but going about it in all the wrong ways. I was trying to force family togetherness when not everyone wanted that. My inner issues were leading me to fix my broken family because I felt if I didn't do it, no one else would. I think because my parents were not close to their families, and I didn't really get to know my extended families, I felt inclined to not let that happen to my children. I didn't want to repeat this cycle in our family.
Realization #1 - Everybody has different perspectives about their family experience
I did not realize at the time that my individual family members all had a very different life experience with the family, even your siblings that may have grown up in the same house will have a different attitude about the family, and how they think a family relationship should be defined. I learned you have to allow people to be different. Everyone does not want to spend every waking minute with their family. They want their own individuality, and we should respect that. It doesn't mean they don't love their family, they just want to take family in small doses. We should not take that so personal.
Realization #2 - Don't be a fixer
I have the personality type to be a fixer. When someone comes to me with a problem, my first instinct is to work on fixing the problem. I had to learn that sometimes people don't want you to fix the problem, they just want you to be there to listen and give encouragement. I spent many years trying to fix many of my family members problems, not because I wanted to be the hero, but because I wanted to see them happy. It affected me so much when a family member was going through a personal crisis, and I wasn't doing everything I could to help them to be happy again. Life has taught me that there are just some problems you can't fix, and even if you can fix it, should you? Raising my children taught me that you can give advice and suggestions, but at the end of the day, my children ultimately had to make their own decisions. I have to admit it was very difficult to watch your children making major mistakes in their lives, and not being able to stop them. If we shield people from making their own mistakes they will never learn the lessons of life. As a parent, this is the hardest thing to do, because you want only the best for your children.
Realization #3 - Don't expect family to accept your bad behavior
So many family disagreements stem from someone doing or saying something hurtful to another family member. People sometimes do and say things that over time and reflection they realize they could have said that differently or handled that situation so much better. The problem is, life doesn't have a reset button. You can't take back the hurt you caused someone by your actions. Just because we're family does not give you a pass to be disrespectful or hurtful to someone. All of that is true, but sometimes people may do and say things that they would never do as the person they are today. I think you have to realize that you don't know what was going on in their lives at the time they said or did those things. I know from personal experience that I am a totally different person than I was twenty years ago. As people navigate life and go through so many things in their life, they sometimes realize the mistakes of their past and try their best to fix them. People can change. This is a situation where empathy comes in. (please read my article on empathy). We have to be able to move on and work on forging a better family relationship built on love, trust, and respect.
Realization #4 - Fix yourself
This was a huge realization for me. I spent so many years trying to fix everybody else, but realized that I had a lot of fixing to do. You absolutely MUST work on your issues first. You have to work on your childhood issues, your mental health issues, and your physical health issues. You have to come to terms with the fact that life may have dealt you a bad hand, but you can't fix your family until you deal with your own issues. The real fact of the matter is the family unit may not need too much fixing if every single person in the family worked on themselves. Trying to be a better human being that people want to be around. You will never be perfect, but everyday you should be a better person than you were yesterday.
Realization #5 - Own your Mistakes
By owning your mistakes, this means acknowledging that you hurt someone, and doing everything in your power to make it right. Owning your mistakes means having a real conversation with the person you hurt, and not a superficial apology. That conversation should lay all the cards on the table as to how each of you felt about what happened and assure that person that you have changed, and you are working on being a better person. It's more important to show that person actions, rather than lip service.
Summary
I had to stop trying to fix my family because I realized there is no way for me to fix them. They have to fix themselves. As much as I love each and every member of my family, I can't help them, it's up to them to do the work and help themselves. If you really want a true family with the memorable holidays together, the love and the laughter that comes with being a family, you can't rely on others in the family to fix it. A real family works to build strong relationships within the family. They can trust and believe in one another, and most of all they know that you always have good intentions. Since I have come to these realizations, I have built relationships with some in my family, but some are still a work in progress. I hope that one day my whole family will be able co-exist and enjoy the precious moments of life with each other. Time is the one thing that's not on our side. Family means so much to me, but my days of trying to fix the family is over. I now work a lot on fixing myself to do better, and be a person that is honest, genuine and loyal.
